My Emotional Support Dry Robe

Of course it’s a much most meaningful post than about a dry robe. To be honest I was just trying to find a title that wasn’t too depressing.

Friday morning was a tough start. It was a morning where my peri/endo/flare stuff decided to get together and have a big old party at my expense. Everything felt too much, too hard, too big and I very much felt not enough for any of it. I’m doing alright most of the time with the stuff that’s going on and the uncertainty of this time of my life but there are a lot of days where it’s really fucking hard. Oscillating between a full blown melt down and getting my son up and ready for school without him being too aware of said melt down, my husband and I managed through. And then he did his thing that makes me always forever grateful, he looked at me and told me to go to the water. He told me to get my dry robe on and be a wanker who swans into the pool and out again like nothing matters. And I did just that. 

Okay…the truth of it is he told me this multiple times that morning and I raged against it until he pointed out that I was willing to prioritise everything else on my to-do list except myself and well…if that wasn’t a kick up the bum (I raged about that too, you know I did, how very dare he). So I put on my bright pink swimsuit, donned my ridiculously giant dry robe and cried my way to the pool. 

I cried at the sunrise and the music playing and the dogs walking and the kids going to school and the old couple holding hands. I cried because I could still see beauty even when I'm feeling so desperately low (like, maybe I’m actually okay if I can do that right?). 

I threw my hood up and marched through the gym like I was on a mission (a mission not to cry in public) and made it to the outdoor pool. It was still kind of dark and the lights in the pool were on and there was thick steam rising off the surface and I just about held it together until the lovely lady who just happened to be coming out as I was coming in was well away. And then I released myself from my giant black and grey jacket cocoon and released myself and my tears into the water. I swam and swam and swam. Not my usual swim cap and goggles workout type swim but a gentle, head above water, breaststroke type swim. Back and forth I went and I noticed the wind and the dead leaves and the birds and the clouds and then the best thing ever happened, it started to rain. So my tears and the rain all mixed and mingled and I felt completely known and seen by the elements which let me cry some more. I thought about what feels so hard right now and I noticed that deep down I know it’s not forever (nothing is). I thought about the love and support I have around me in the form of my boys and my sister and my friends who feel like sisters and my wee community (and, of course, I cried some more). I thought about the way that someone else can love me the way that I hoped I could always have been loved and the way that I am always, always being invited to love myself. Then, very clearly, my Sagittarius Season card popped into my head. When I pulled my year ahead cards last Capricorn Season (note to self to schedule my own year ahead reading into my schedule ;) ), something in my well-council knew I was going to need the goodness of the King of Pentacles and so I was gifted this very big, very poignant card to complete my 2024. 

When I think about all the folks around me that have my back I am reminded that I can always have my own back. This King is about being a leader in our own lives when it comes to our purpose, our day to day habits and rituals, to our finances and our bodies. It's tending to how we want to live in our everyday. And while my husband all but placed me in the pool that morning, I still actually had to get myself there and let myself receive the goodness. There was a little seed that knew it was important, even symbolically, for this season to come. So there I was, letting my loves have my back and being reminded to enter into each day having my own back too. And how can I choose that for myself? How can I be that gentle, compassionate, leader for myself and my daily needs and dreams? How can I be the leader who tends to myself and my garden with curiosity and compassion? How can I keep letting myself come home to my highest and best ways of being and doing, for myself in this life of mine. Big thoughts I know, but what better place for this Cancer Rising, water baby, Crone Witch Mermaid to have big thoughts than in a misty morning pool all on her lonesome? 

This experience also reminded me to share a bit more about how my healing modality of Coaching with the Tarot has shaped and impacted my own life. That I walk my talk and practise what I share here. Maybe a year ahead reading will help keep you anchored to your own healing journey in this upcoming 2025 Hermit Year. It wont fix it but then again, I don’t believe we need fixing. 

I believe we all deserve healing space to consider, homecoming paths to walk and all the supports to guide us along the way. 

Love and solidarity in this whole living a big feeling life,

Jenny 

Proof I made it.

Those goggles didn’t even make it poolside.