11 Years Later…
(Of course I’m saying this in the style of the great Sponge Bob…)
My life changed 11 years ago this month and it’s only looking back now that I can see the homecoming path I started walking along way back then. I have just stepped in to early Cronehood this week after having a full hysterectomy for endo/peri/hormone reasons and it has very clearly been like stepping through a threshold onto a new homecoming pathway. When we start onto something new it makes sense that we feel pulled to look back at where we’ve come from and, chatting with my husband this morning, it was revealed to me that an era has passed. A whole generation of my life has brought me here to this space I’m feeling into today. And I believe in my bones that it’s going to be something special.
11 years ago we moved into this home and it’s been 11 years of coming home (literally and spiritually). This home has held personal homecoming in ways I’m only now able to see in all its wild, messy and beautiful glory. More often than not we make a choice and take a first step without realising that it’s THE THING THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING. 11 years I took that step and for 11 years I’ve been walking this pathway.
Here’s some of the homecoming healing things I have evolved with along the way:
I became a mum and I have learned that I didn’t have to lose or sacrifice myself to a ‘mum identity’ that I didn’t believe in or consent to. That there is more to each of us as humans than our labels. That we can change our minds and choose our labels at any time. That we are better parents for being true to and whole as ourselves. That the dream family of four was never in our future and that small families can be beautiful units of love, respect, fun and joy. That our dreams are as important as our kids’ dreams and modelling that will serve them better than any self sacrifice would. I love my kid fiercely and I know it’s a privilege and a huge responsibility. I also know it’s not for everyone, whether it’s a choice or not, and so I know there is no moral superiority to having kids. Had there been more of a discussion going on and an obvious choice about having kids back then…who knows what we would have chosen. The child-free by choice or child-free by circumstance folks are living big beautiful lives. I didn’t want being a mum to be my only label just as much I don’t think it's fair the pestering and judgement non-parents receive. It’s all about choice and freedom at the end of the day and being our most healing and authentic selves while contributing a wee bit to a more fair world when and where we can right?
Releasing relationships is sometimes crucial even when it hurts so bad. That not all friends are forever, no matter how much you think or assume they are. That we can’t always grow with each other but we can let go with love and best wishes. That we sometimes need to make space for friendships that meet us where we are now and that more isn’t always better. Quality over quantity is a lifestyle choice and friendship goals. Sometimes we cling to relationships that aren’t actually good for us because we can’t see the damage they are doing and the lessons we are being asked to learn aren’t quite sinking in. Learning late is better than never and we can always let ourselves be changed by the people we have moved through this life with.
If we haven’t been raised with all the tools we need in life, we can find them for ourselves in other people and in our day to day routines and habits. That our parents are flawed, complex, human-like humans after all and yeah maybe they could have done better and yeah, maybe we wish they could be doing better now but nobody evolves on our timelines (and some don’t evolve ever). Only we do and can. We are all impacted by the shame and scarcity machine that is Western capitalist society and all its ‘isms’. We can learn to be more neutral about people and we can always choose to release them if it’s safer and more healthy to do so. We can learn to give ourselves what we need and we can learn to cultivate relationships that support us with our own healing things and where we can support others to do the same. When you find these people, holy moly does life look and feel like a whole new place. I’ve lost and released folks I thought were my ride or dies, those who I knew weren’t but felt beholden to, those who were wonderful and those who weren't great at all. Sometimes it was a relief and sometimes it tore my heart in half. Now? It was all needed and I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m learning to reparent myself by seeing what I need as the human I am and trying to heal those gaps with changed mindsets, self-compassion and buckets of grace. It’s hard. It’s really hard and yet there is a steely kernel of a spark in me that knows I'm worth it. I’m 47 going on 7, 17 and 27. They all get to come along now and see the life I’ve created for us. They approve.
Oh my gawd are we going to fuck up. Oh my gawd are we going to miss the mark, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, befriend the wrong person, try too hard, not try hard enough, have the wrong goal, want the wrong things and oh my gawds… it’s kind of the whole point. This lesson, as a perfectionist, people pleasing, acceptance whore has been interesting to learn. Two simple phrases that have helped me over the years are ‘Okay’ and ‘Let them’. Learning that I can’t control how any in this world perceives me is freeing and so is accepting that how I perceive myself is the only thing that matters. I'm learning to checkin with my soul and my values and make sure I’m good there first.
Hard doesn’t mean bad. Whoa mama. This one is something else. Hardship, discomfort, setbacks, diversions, roadblocks and grief no longer scare the socks off me. They used to. I was taught to be allergic to acknowledging the hard things because of all the toxic positivity and all the ‘women shouldn’t rock the boat’ bullshit (waves arms around). Then I met a man who lived the hard and came out shining. He holds ‘both/and’ as a natural part of himself and lets life be light and hilarious and wild where it is without dismissing the things that suck. We know here that ‘both/and’ are magic spells and for me, a lot of that is down to being in a relationship with someone who has the capacity to hold it all. Oft, what a superpower. Financial stress, baby loss, growing pains, job dissatisfaction, job change, depression, burnout, parenting, parents, health worries, chronic illness, the world…I mean, it’s been A TIME. I know we are all craving those good old ‘precedented’ times but I don’t think they are coming back. The world is shivering off its old skin and embarking on a journey of its own and the path is unfamiliar, unknown and untold. Things have both been harder and also better than I could ever imagine. The hard comes from being more honest and true to myself. And also, that’s where the growth, evolution, healing and love live.
I am a tarot reading, ritual practicing, nature loving, creative writing, magic wielding, space holding, intuitive heavy lifter and wanna be water nymph/bog witch. I name and claim these things. I am stepping through the threshold into early Cronedom holding these labels (and infinitely more) high up in the air for all to see. These pieces of myself that many others could see even when I couldn’t look directly at them myself. These labels that surprise no one close to me but that I still wanted to shield from the world because...what-if-and-what-might-they-think-and-say? These parts of me have been in existence since I came into existence. The nature loving, water baby who read all the fairytales and fantasy books and stories. Who played in make believe worlds and who had a recurring birthday ‘dream’ with a being who felt very real. Who feels so so much and knew so much but didn‘t know why she knew. Who loves science and magic and knows that they are pretty much the same damn thing and who always, always knew that there is enough for everyone and that fairness is the natural state of the world. Who painted and made and wrote and played well into her adult life and is excavating and dusting off more of those things again. Who deeply felt the need for being around other women and was soul bruised when they couldn’t see their own magic. I have learned first hand that these homecoming paths of mine were really bring me back home to my core self and isn’t that just beautiful?
All of this journeying back home to myself has happened since we stepped into our home 11 years ago and I know my next wee path is unfolding. I know you are all on your own paths too whether you are aware of where you are on them or not. I know that homecomings are inevitable but only if you are letting yourself be aware of them and be an active participant in your life. I know many of you may want more awareness, direction and support with this but in a real, meaningful and more intuitive way (that’s why you are here I suspect). It’s literally why I’m here and what I am here to do. I’m glad you are here.
I’d love your thoughts on any of the learnings above or your own homecoming lessons. I’m here for that chat below in the comments.
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This home we have loved and LIVED in has brought me here to the next pathway(yes, that first photo was from just after we moved in and yes I was very pregnant. And yes the last one is closer to now in the same spot, very much not pregnant and about to step through the threshold into my Crone Era).
